Though this line has more to do with family and relationship struggles, it took on a personal/religious meaning for me this week.
When driving home from class last week, I let my mind wander freely and uninterrupted. I was scared when this free brain roaming led straight to my biggest fear: losing my family.
I think this is most people’s worry. Each time my husband takes off with the littles for an activity and I am blessed to some wonderful alone time, my heart still clenches at the sight of them driving off. It’s irrational, but I always imagine the worst. If something happened, my heart would never repair. I would lose them all in one fell swoop.
While feeling this despair and in my eagerness to get home and see my family all in one piece, the fear produced an awful thought: If something happened to my family while I was away tonight, that would be it. I would never forgive God (in an attempt to rebel and show my anger), and the devil would have won.
WHAT?!? The devil would have won?!? I sure as hell hope not!
That of course produced a series of questions to which I don’t really know the answer to. Did I really just sell my soul to the devil? Is that all it takes? Now the devil knows my weakness, will he act upon it? Will God give up on me altogether and now I really do have to battle this fear alone? I am a weak human… I will never be enough.
Not easy thoughts to have, and the answers are not much easier either.
When I ran across this quote, it seemed to fit perfectly with my plight. I need to ask God for forgiveness. I need to clearly state that he is the only One I would ever surrender to. I need to humbly come before Him and admit my failure, so he can give the forgiveness that only a God of his patience and might could give.
So, that’s my plan. I have still evaded that particular act out of this humiliation at my weakness, but I know I would want my child to come to me so I must go to Him.
Please pray for me. I am not perfect, but I can seek solace in His perfection.